nicolesophia
Registered: 05/02/10
Posts: 5
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| | 05/18/10 at 10:14 PM | | #1 |
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It occurred to me recently that for as long as I can remember I have hated my body. It is not a passive hate, but it is an active hate. I have actively been trying to change my body since I was a child, but the war has become more pronounced as I have gotten older. I dont even know how many times in a day I was weighing myself. Every time I went to the bathroom certainly, but that was not enough- every time I ate an extra couple of bites of dinner, every time I didnt feel hungry- because ofcourse if I didnt feel hungry I must have eaten TOO MUCH..... I was working out so hard every day- sometimes more than once. If I indulged in something extra during the day I would feel sick to my stomach until I could get home and do an extra workout. I would lose a couple of pounds and feel great!(Other than being weak and dizzy and cranky). Then the pounds would somehow, for some reason, come back and I would feel sick. I would eat less and workout even more until I again lost the pounds. But then they would come back again even though I was consistantly eating less and working out more. So I would eat even LESS and workout even MORE and the pounds would drop off. BUT THEN THEY WOULD COME BACK. This happened for 6 years. Yes, for 6 years I behaved like this. My weight consumed everything. I was always thinking about it, always fighting it, always hungry, always tired.... I remember when my daughter was two and I was looking at her dinner and then looking at mine and realizing that she ate more food than I did.... I was eating less than a two year old while I was working a busy 8 hour day and working out like a crazy person.... Sad to say that realization only made me hate my body even more for not "letting me" eat a normal amound and not gain weight....
Well quite recently I had an epiphany. A wake up call. Maybe it was because my heart palpatations that I had when doing my extreme workouts were beginning to worry me. Maybe it's because I finally just started using my brain. But for whatever reason I finally realized that I had to stop living my life like this. Why did I care how much I weighed?!?!? Did it REALLY make one ounce of a difference?????? Why did my whole happiness and self-worth depend on it????? And what kind of an example was I setting for my daughter who was already at the age of 5, complaining that certain shirts made her look fat????
The day that I "hid" my scale from myself was a very very scary day for me. Probably the scariest thing that I have done in a long long time. I started eating regular meals. When I felt hungry, I ate! I stopped staring in the mirror hating myself. I tried to think about positive things about my body. I tried to stop looking enviously at skinny girls. I tried to think about how beautiful curves are. It was so hard, and I do mean the sick to your stomach with worry kind of hard, but so wonderful at the same time. I started to feel better almost immediatley. I wasnt tired, I wasnt starving, weak, cranky, or even a quarter as stressed out feeling. I became aware of how much I had let my hatred of my body take over my life and it hurt. So many years I wasted trying to acheive something that I never did acheive. I stayed at the same general weight for 6 years and spend the entire 6 years fighting to lose weight- why did it take me so long to wake up???? I also became aware of how much I compared myself to other women- and I didnt like it. There is a saying "when you compare you either feel inferior or superior; neither of which is beneficial." I repeated that saying to myself whenever I started to compare myself to other women and I realized how shallow I had been behaving in my obsession with my weight and other people's weight. It did not make me happy.
I just want to feel at peace with myself. To not feel sick to my stomach when I eat a big meal. To not feel sick to my stomach when a skinny girl walks by. I want to accept my natural weight and even farther than that I want to love my natural weight and my body. I sure am loving not feeling so weak and dizzy and stressed out. I am starting to get back in touch with things that are really important in life. And I am hoping that the book I just got in the mail is going to help me to accept and love my body.
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nicolesophia
Registered: 05/02/10
Posts: 5
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| | 06/04/10 at 09:58 AM | | #2 |
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Blog 2
So it has been a while since my last post. I have been so busy lately I have not been able to properly go through my book that I got- I am too impatient to read books slowly, the first time I read them I skim through them trying to get all the information, then I go back and read it "right." This book is definately one that you want to read "right" so that you can do all of the little exercizes and really absorb the message. Still, even skimming through the book, I am being reinforced in all of my feelings about weight. It is amazing isn't it, how just weighing 1 or 2 more ponds can cause our whole day to be ruined... I can remember so many times when I would weigh myself and see a tiny increase and my whole day would just be shot. I would be cranky with my husband and daughter, I would feel so miserable and panicky... I have been doing very well with not weighing myself. I have been tempted so many times to resume my old habits- expecially when a pair of pants felt suspiciously snug one day. I just keep telling myself "What does it REALLY matter how much I weigh? Is there going to be some alarm that goes off and a sign that is going to appear on my forehead for all the world to see, announcing that I have gained a few pounds now that I'm not starving myself?" I remind myself of how much better I feel now. It is truly amazing how good I feel now that I eat more normally. I still try to eat very healthy, but I eat more of it. And I feel great! I try so hard not to compare my weight to other people's. Which is hard, and I dont always succeed but I try. And I realized how much I used to think about my weight. I used to always compare myself to everyone else around me and if there was someone with a "better" body, I would feel so disgusted with myself. But if there was no one with a "better" body, I would feel guilty and feel like everyone else must resent me.... So stupid, I know... This is why I am trying to change... There was one day that I dragged my scale out from its hiding place and I weighed myself.. and lo and behold there was a 2 pound increase! I felt like I was going to have a panic attack- I stared at myself in the mirror thinking how fat and gross I was... I went outside and smoked a cigarette even though I quit... then i went back inside and moved the scale to a different area and wighed myself again and... the 2 extra pounds were no longer there for whatver reason... so I felt like I could breathe again... Then I realized that I had had a "regression" in my healthy body image so I shoved the scale back in the closet and piled some more stuff on top of it.... This healthy body image stuff takes some serious work!
But it IS working. Even though I may have some set-backs, on the whole I am feeling much healthier in my views about myself, and much healthier period because I am eating enough food. I am actually learning to see curves and appreciate them instead of hate them! So it is getting better....
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