amandat
Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 15
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| | 05/01/07 at 02:07 PM | | #1 |
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Barbara challenged me to do a 30-day awareness exercise, the objective being to cultivate my natural body shape. Here is my journal… Day 1 Task: Pick a body part that you either dislike the most or absolutely hate, and spend 10 minutes just being aware of it. Record all the thoughts and emotions that come from the 10-minute awareness. Journal Entry: Pick a body part that you hate… Obviously – my thighs! What do I absolutely hate about my thighs? I can sum it up in one word – CELLULITE! I have very bad cellulite all over the backs of my thighs. Ripples of unsightly fat trapped under my skin. I’ve had this all my life and I hate it. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t have cellulite. Lard lines all up and down the backs of my thighs. The worst part is where my thigh connects with my butt, now it seems to be uglier than ever. I’ve exercised hard all my life, but the lard lines never come off! I suppose it’s genetic. Both my sisters have the same problem. Take a deep cleansing breath – breathe in, breathe out.
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amandat
Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 15
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| | 05/01/07 at 02:09 PM | | #2 |
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Amanda's Journal Day 2 Journal Entry: I hate my thighs… well, maybe if I can think of something positive about my legs… Well… they’re good strong legs, they go all the way to the ground, and they get me where I want to go. Lard lines notwithstanding! The front of my thighs actually have really good muscle tone, thanks to all those lower body workouts I’ve done to try to eliminate those lard lines. Just being aware of my thighs makes me feel depressed. |
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amandat
Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 15
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| | 05/01/07 at 02:09 PM | | #3 |
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Amanda's Journal Day 3 Journal Entry: Why am I depressed about my thighs? I’m depressed because I feel that my whole body is such a wreck. I have had two babies in two years and ended up gaining 40 lbs of extra weight. The problem compounded by having children back-to-back. Now I’m faced with this huge ordeal ahead of me, to try to get my body back to normal again. Normal being pre-pregnancy. Realistically, I doubt I’ll ever get down to being a size 4 - size 6 again. I don’t even know why it’s so important to be that size! I feel depressed because my body has done this enormous thing – produced two new lives, but the consequences to me of doing that are horrendous. I feel depressed because reading books about breast-feeding tell you that breast-feeding will help you lose the extra weight. Well, it didn’t happen for me! Now the effort that is going to have to go into restoring myself is monumental! Don’t get me wrong… I absolutely adore my children. When they smile, laugh and the sweet little voices that say, “Mommy!” I feel depressed because it is SO difficult to find time for myself and because losing weight is so difficult. There are so many days when I don’t even want to try. When setting this goal of being able to fit comfortably back into my size 6 jeans seems an impossible task. |
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amandat
Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 15
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| | 05/01/07 at 02:10 PM | | #4 |
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Amanda's Journal Day 4 Journal Entry: Today I am thinking about being able to fit comfortably back into my size 6 jeans. Why is it so important to me? What is SO significant about being able to do that? The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that being that size was when I felt happy with myself. It was at a point in my life when I felt free and in control. It had to be with having the approval of my mother, who my whole life had made dieting and weight control a huge issue. Who constantly told me that I was too fat, and managed to project all her issues onto me? Even when I had made peace with myself and my body, I’d go home for a visit and within 24 hours of being home, my mother would find a way to tell me that I was no good. From making snide remarks about how much I was eating, to telling me that I needed to do sit-ups to “refine” my waistline. Somehow, after that, I would leave feeling unhappy and feeling the need to lose 20 lbs. I have tried to fight back, responding with very sharp tongued comments that my mother needed to go deal with her own issues about her own weight and body image and to stop projecting her unhappiness with her own self onto me. Even with all these emotions and memories swirling around this magical jeans size, it still boils down to that I like the way I looked when I did fit comfortably into that pair of jeans. Why does this seem so shallow and superficial?! Perhaps because it is! Shouldn’t I be more concerned with being healthy? |
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amandat
Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 15
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| | 05/01/07 at 02:11 PM | | #5 |
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Amanda's Journal Day 5 I am impatient. Even though I know that changing my body will take time, I get discouraged and depressed when I don’t see any new changes to my body. I want results instantly, and I want the results to keep happening on a daily basis. Needless to say, that’s not how things work! I have been on a diet for about 4 weeks now. The first 2 weeks, I lost 3 inches off my hips and 3 inches off my waist. Now everything seems to have stopped. I feel discouraged and depressed. BUT… cultivating one’s natural body shape is about bringing one’s body to a state where it is not stressed and is properly nourished. Which is what this 30-day challenge is about. SO, I have made the decision to start changing my body from the inside. I have decided to try to do this differently and to accept whatever happens to my physical appearance. |
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amandat
Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 15
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| | 05/01/07 at 02:11 PM | | #6 |
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Amanda's Journal Day 6 De-stressing my body is not the easiest thing to do! For one thing, it requires proper nutrition, which means cutting out refined foods like white sugar and white flour. It means consuming food and drinks that are high in anti-oxidants. Until you really try, you don’t realize just how difficult this is. It seems as if all the food in this country is refined. I never realized how much I liked sugar until I had to drink unsweetened green tea. I never realized how mean and overly critical I am of myself until I had to make myself stop, because it is another enormous source of stress. |
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